We, The Hypocrites...

I happened to be listening to CNN tonight on XM Radio while I worked on a project. They profiled the head of the largest "Tea Party" group in the state of Arkansas, and what I heard absolutely set my blood boiling.

This person went on and on about how upset he was that the government had grown the deficit (i.e. the amount of money that the government borrowed in order to support spending that it does not have the cash to support) and that businesses were being bailed out when they should have just been allowed to fail. He went on to say that any government regulation equals limits on our freedom.

Okay, fair enough! I personally believe that we should control deficit spending and that we gave too much money to banks and other financial institutions what lobbied for deregulation and then lost money on overly risky financial ventures.

Here is where I got mad. As they told his story, it came out that the only reason he initially got involved with the Tea Party was that he had borrowed $300,000.00 from a bank in order to grow his home-based business (deficit spending) for which he used his house as collateral (a risky financial gamble) and couldn't pay it back! He was upset that the government would not come to his aid and prevent the foreclosure of his home and negate the impact of his financial gamble (a personal government bailout)!

So, his issue was NOT that the government was behaving irresponsibly, it was that HE wasn't getting a piece of the action!

To me, this is hypocrisy defined. You cannot criticize others while engaging in the same activities that you are criticizing! He went on and on about the government "trampling on our freedoms" and about the Founding Fathers, when in reality if that same government had stepped in and bailed him out of his financial bind he would happily take the money and shut up! If you are going to complain about deficit spending, then don't take out loans to cover costs you can't pay out of your cash reserves! Don't rail against government "regulations" while enjoying the benefits of that regulation. Those pills you are taking are highly unlikely to kill you because the FDA tests and verifies their effectiveness. That food you're eating will probably not make you sick because it must meet strict government standards. You can listen to the radio and watch TV without excessive interference because the FCC manages the radio spectrum. Don't complain about "regulation" unless you are willing to give up these benefits and take your chances on the ability of companies to self-regulate.

I understand that people are frustrated, and there are many reasons to be upset with how our country is being run. That is not, however, a license to throw stones while standing in your own glass house.

Midlife Chrysalis

Okay, let me first get this out of the way. I am 43 years old and I just got my first tattoo. It's neither big nor colourful, and it's on the back of my left calf so it is not visible in a "business" setting. Unless they establish a "Bring your Shorts to work day", in which case I've got a lot of explaining to do. The design itself is a very stylized representation of the three events in Triathlon: Swimming, Cycling and Running.

I've been toying with the idea of getting tattooed for years, but just couldn't get over that strange barrier that people in my age group seem to have about body art.

I kept saying to myself that I would do it "someday", maybe to commemorate some event. I had semi-decided that I would get something when I complete my first half Ironman length triathlon this summer. Then I had second thoughts and decided that maybe I'll do it NEXT year, when I plan to complete a full Ironman. I'm sure that I would have found some other excuse to put it off even then.

So what made me do it now?

Good question! To be honest, I'm not really sure what changed, or even if it can be traced to a single "thing". I think that it is just the latest step in finally moving past the person that I used to be and settling into a persona that suits the life that I'm living now. Frankly, the first 40 years of my life were so riddled with compromises and self doubt that I honestly don't know how I ever managed to survive. The past few years have taken me through a very painful and devastating "death" and rebirth and I'm finding myself  far more relaxed and comfourtable in my own skin than I ever imagined I could be.

Maybe this is the beginning of that "wisdom" stuff that they keep telling us we receive as we age. Probably not. What I know for certain is that while the new "tat" is proudly displayed on my exterior, the really interesting stuff is all hidden below the surface. I'm seeing some of these internal changes start to ripple through the different parts of my life now and while I probably should be a bit terrified, I'm actually feeling an overwhelming sense of peace and excitement about the future.

Hmmm, maybe the next piece of body art will be a bicycle chain around my upper arm. Better build those "guns" up a bit first...

When good Tigers go bad...

I'm not one who follows celebrity gossip. Usually, I'm the guy giving a blank stare when someone talks about the latest rumour involving Brad Pitt or Julia Roberts or some other tabloid fodder. I did, however, pay attention to the whole Tiger Woods...er..."affair". The primary reason that this scandal hooked me was that I had come to admire the way in which he was able to manage his public image. From this side of the spotlight, Tiger appeared to be a truly class act and I found that oddly comfourting, especially given the scandals surrounding other major sports figures over the past few years.

Well, I'm sure that I don't need to go into a recap of the story, but suffice it to say that the last time we saw a tiger go this bad this fast, Siegfried had to rush Roy to the hospital. I heard he was entering "rehab" for "sex addiction" which is usually a thinly veiled attempt to rehabilitate the person's image more than their psyche. I filed the whole thing away and thought that I wouldn't really hear about any new developments for at least a few months.

Tonight, as I'm standing in the checkout line at Safeway, I happened to glance at the magazines and literally did a double-take at the new Vanity Fair cover. There was formerly squeeky-clean Tiger looking angry while  posing shirtless in a knit ski cap and lifting weights! It could have easily been a Rapper doing a gritty "prison yard" pose for the cover of a new CD! I was so taken aback that I started to wonder if maybe I had missed the whole point of the Tiger drama.

What if the whole thing had been as carefully orchestrated as the rest of his public image? What if Tiger's nice guy image had started to chafe, and so he put together a scenario that would allow him to turn 180 degrees and become the "bad boy" of the Golf world? This is far from an original theory, I've heard it repeated many times over the course of the scandal but always dismissed it out of hand.

Until now.

I'm convinced that this magazine cover was really a statement that Tiger is embracing his new notoriety and feeling out the public to see how we react. I'm sure that over the next six months or so we'll see how this unfolds and whether or not I was right.

In the meantime, I'm just filing it away and hoping against all hope that the next time I do a Tiger-related double-take, it's not in the checkout line at Best Buy when I see his new Rap CD on display...

Homme Improvement

I have three housemates, a young couple in their twenties and a fifty-something construction contractor. We've recently moved to a new house together and I am now sharing a bathroom with the contractor. As we're unpacking our various toiletries and grooming products, I am shocked by the vast array of skin and hair care products that are lining the counters and the shower shelves. All from major cosmetic brands. All re-packaged in either dark "executive" tones or action-oriented "Sports" motifs. All with the word "Men" in the product name. Underneath the packaging? Pretty much exactly the same products used by women.

Apparently, he's a L'Oreal man, where I'm more Neutrogena and Lancome. Between us, there is every imaginable product to exfoliate, tone, moisturize and reduce wrinkles. If two women were sharing this bathroom, they couldn't compete with this inventory. I can understand the WHY very easily. He's outdoors doing construction most of the day and I'm a Triathlete who is constantly training in the sun or swimming in over chlorinated pools. If we didn't do SOMETHING, our faces would just peel off like parchment paper.

What I don't understand is HOW, since I don't ever remember seeing a single advertisement for any of this stuff! Watch more than a few hours of Primetime TV and you will see a parade of ads for various skin care products for women, but not a single one directed at men. Same with mainstream magazines and newspapers. Maybe there are ads in something like GQ, but I can't remember the last time I picked up an issue. The only place that you see these products is in the "Shaving" section at the local drug or grocery store. Yet, obviously we are finding, buying and using this stuff! It's like the ultimate soft sell campaign. Rather than spend money on all of those commercials and multi-page magazine "Special Advertising Sections", they just drop the lot of it in with the razors and shave creams and hope we'll notice.

Do the various cosmetic and skincare companies think that we will be too embarrassed to buy these products if we see them advertised? I hope not, considering that most of the products that ARE targeted directly to men are pills that will restore and enhance that "special" part of a man's body. We're supposed to be uncomfourtable talking with other men about scrubbing layers of dead skin off of our faces, but perk up when we notice that Bob has a raging stiffy? "Hey, Bob! That Viagra looks like it's really workin' for 'ya!"

Somebody somewhere must have done focus groups and market research and found that either men didn't respond to these ads or that we just don't want anyone to KNOW that we use this stuff. It's as if we expect women to believe that we're just "naturally" handsome and don't actually have to work at it, whereas according to the TV and print ads, women are in a constant and very public battle to keep themselves from turning into some sort of mummified gargoyle!

So, ladies, check out the other side of the bathroom sometime and see what your man is using to keep himself spiffy. You might just be surprised at what he's got stashed away behind the razors and shave cream...

First we take Manhattans...

With apologies to the great Leonard Cohen for stealing his line, I just had a wonderful evening of wine and cocktails with my dear friend Jane of Midlife Bloggers. Over drinks and a massive collection of deep fried and salted (in other words, AWESOME!)  bar food, we talked for hours about our lives and friends (and of course, blogging!) and when it was over she said something that struck me as quite profound the more I thought about it.

I mentioned how much I enjoyed being able to spend an evening in Midtown sharing drinks and conversation and she shot back with "You mean being a grownup!". I laughed and agreed, but on further analysis I realized that she had hit on something significant about my life. I had never really had the opportunity to be a single adult!

My first wife and I were engaged at 19 years old. I hadn't dated much and was having trouble finding my place in the world. My parents were openly concerned about what I would do with my life and when I might "get it together". She was the first girl that I developed a serious relationship with after High School and our engagement happened after we had dated for a mere 2 months. I don't really know why it happened other than the fact that she was very nice and I thought that we could put together a "Grown-Up" life.

To some extent, it worked. I had something to focus on and quickly built a career in the emerging field of Information Technology, moving from entry level to "guru" status in short order. Unfortunately, as I grew and developed it became clear that we were not the best match. I postponed the marriage as long as I could, but eventually we wed and started our life together in earnest.

Ten years and two (wonderful) children later, things fell apart. I met someone who seemed to be a better match and left the marriage to pursue the new relationship. There was no break, I went from one marriage almost directly into another. The second marriage was an unmitigated disaster and ended in divorce as well, leaving me for the first time in my adult life, single.

So, to recap, I went from just out of High School to two consecutive marriages with no spaces in between. I missed out on the years of being single and all of the friendships and social development that usually occurs in your 20's. I never had the experiences of sitting with friends and talking over beers or developing the skills necessary to navigate any sort of dating "scene". I didn't realize until now what a crippling effect that has had on my personal and social development. For people who have had the traditional experience of college followed by years of single life, it may not seem to have been a factor in your development. Believe me, it is not only a factor, it is a CRUCIAL factor.

The simple act of enjoying an evening of drinks and conversation with a friend tonight at a stylish and dare I say "hip" lounge was exciting, intellectually stimulating, and utterly new to me. How many decisions would I have made differently if I had the opportunity to discuss it in such a casual and comfourtable way with a trusted friend? What new directions would my life have taken if I had this option whenever I stopped at a crossroads?

Well, I may have missed out on this when I was younger but I intend to fully explore it as a "mid-life" adult. In starting over, I'm picking up where I left off in my late teens and have finally found that place where I should have developed a social foundation with good friends, good conversation and the freedom to explore the possibilities that life presents to us.

So, thank you, Jane! I look forward to many more evenings of libations, snacks and conversation! You've given me something that I didn't realise I had missed out on. You've made me realise that I need to be a "Grown-Up" and just get out with other "Grown-Ups"!

The Accidental Blogger

First, I would like to thank my new friends who are following this blog. Most importantly, I would like to thank Jane and the AMAZING group she has gathered on Midlife Bloggers for making me realize just how much fun this can be. Blogging is something that I had been curious about for a long time, but didn't really know how to start.

Let me just put this out there: Facebook is the "gateway drug" for blogging. Each status message is like a mini blog post and the comment threads often feature some lively discussions. Sometimes you will post a heartfelt and carefully constructed status thinking that people will trip over themselves to comment on it and get no response whatsoever. Other times, you will post a blurb about what you had for lunch and it becomes the hottest topic of the day! What is important is that it gets you to start thinking about yourself and the world around you in a different way. You stop viewing yourself as a solitary player and realize that you have both fellow castmates and an audience.

To me, the concept that people are watching you "perform" your life is the first step towards a truly introspective experience. The Scottish poet Robbie Burns once wrote: "Oh, that God the gift would give us, to see ourselves as others see us.". It turns out, it's not a gift at all but a skill that can be honed into a tool for self analysis.

At some point, you outgrow the quick blurbs and one liners of Facebook status updates and long to explore subjects in more depth. You have passed through the gateway and moved on looking for a more intense high. You may have never set out to be a blogger any more than someone would aspire to be a junkie, but suddenly there you are with your own personalized URL and a group of followers cheering you on.

Well, welcome to my own little den of iniquity. Pull up a pillow and a pipe and stay awhile...

Baggage Check

One of the most difficult things about starting your life over is deciding what pieces of your "old" life you want to carry into your new one. There are things from the past that define who you are as a person and that you might bring along with you because you think that you couldn't be "you" without them. The problem is that many of these things are what made you who you WERE, not who you are trying to BE. 

I was pondering this today while walking alone through the streets of San Francisco in the rain. If I am building an entirely new life for myself, why does it feel so damned familiar?

Two years ago, my second marriage ended in a spectacular train wreck and I limped away with little more than the clothes on my back. I was free of any possessions that were associated with my married life and thought that I would re-build everything from scratch. In my new life, I'd never have to look at that couch that SHE bought, or the cutlery that was a wedding gift from her Aunt. As fresh a start as possible for a man in his mid forties with 3 children. The problem I found was that my most toxic items were stored in my head and my heart, not in the garage. As I've re-entered the dating scene, I'm finding that the "new" me has a lot more in common with the "old" than I would like to admit.

Most of the romantic relationships I've pursued have been notable not only for the fact that they have ended rather badly, but also because they share a remarkably similar pattern. They start under "complicated" conditions, often where one or both of us are still winding down other commitments. The chaos created by these complications serves to hide what would otherwise be huge red flags that should have sent me running for cover. If she's emotionally and/or mentally unstable, of course it must be the result of the turmoil in her life. Angry and bitter? Well who wouldn't be! Problem drinker? Hey, she has to cope with all of this somehow! These issues will resolve themselves once the situation stabilizes, right? Well, a quick review of my history says "Wrong!". Yet something in these situations draws me in again and again. It may be the challenge of trying to bring order to the chaos or just the fact that the raw emotions generated by all of the drama feel so much more intense.

So here I am, standing at the door of my brand new life. No movers with furniture. The walls and shelves are empty, waiting for the mementos that I'm sure to bring home from my new adventures. Yes sir! I'm doing it all again, and this time it will be different!

Wow, what a coincidence! There's a cute girl moving in to the house next door! She seems a bit distraught, I wonder if she needs any help with her bags...?